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Anonymous 10/21/2019 (Mon) 14:08:28 No. 693
/hmofa/ Writing Feedback Thread

Post your greens/pastes, request critiques, and provide feedback for others.

>>New to writing, or critiquing? Consult the Writing tips and Guides pastes!<<

>>Looking for feedback on your story?<<
-Try to clearly state what it is you want input on.
-Have patience! Good critique takes time to articulate!

>>Want to provide feedback?<<
-Try to address as many of the concerns the author mentions in their post.
-Avoid saying that you simply liked or disliked something! Provide reasoning for your critiques.
Uhh... I suppose you could message me on pastebin, if that works?

>Has no public pastes
I've been thinking about writing something for the thread for a while now. That may change soonish.
There's a couple of things I want to ask and elaborate on in private, for reasons I hope make sense.

But, hearing what you liked and what you think I'm doing okay helps. I can only see things from my position as the writer, so I don't know what's good or bad.
Well besides the village stuff, I don't think I did that part well at all. I'd rather build off of them and go with some of my plans instead of rewrite that section though, because I know I would get trapped in the rewrite cycle if I did.
But I do plan to involve more rune readings in the story, and deal with the ones I've already given.
I've wanted to give a lot of Egil's motivations in dialogue, but I've been really slow getting there. It's not good having a main character with motivations that don't seem strong to readers.
But being slow is a big worry I have with this story, that and that I've been dragging events out between important plot points.

Anyway, spoilering some things since I want to ask about the possible ch5
This is probably evident to a lot of people, but I had Egil break his arm just so he had to rely on the kitsune and start to open up. Otherwise this thing would be a lot longer and so stretched out nothing hmofa would happen.

In general I wanted to ask: do you think ch5 is too long? Or that it drags on too much, distracting from the ultimate goal that you fairly accurately summed up ? I've been really worried about dragging out this section, and the whole 'Egil recovering in the kitsune home' part, but I also needed to introduce things.
You're right with Saki and Egil's interaction. She's going to be very important, she's Meiko's twin after all, so I really do need to have her open up. She and Egil are going to get a bit closer once he's healed and she learns that he wants to help with the Kenta situation. So do you think getting that moving faster now would be a good idea?
The rice wine poisoning is indeed the subplot I've been thinking about removing. I flipfloped like crazy on how to handle the apology Shizuka and Mike gave, from having them each explain their motivations and swear they didn't know the other was involved, to even Rin apologizing the second they were gone since she got deceived after saying she could detect anything wrong.
Sent my thoughts on pastebin. Check your messages.
laaate, but I was just pulling your leg, famberlamps. You're offering great feedback to our writefriends, and that's super outstanding. Thank you. Again, late, lol. sry
Revisions on Fool's Find are coming along slowly. I only just really started. I know not many care, but figured I'd let those that do know the update probably won't be dropping until the end of the month since I'm essentially rewriting entire segments.
I am willing to wait: Good quality stories are worth waiting for.
Are people still checking this thread?

I've been working on this for the past few months. Or rather, I've not been working on it for most of that time, because discipline is hard. I intended this as an in-between story before starting a more serious project, but it kind of became a thing on its own. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants, but enjoying writing it so far. Kind of wondering if it's fun to read, too.

I guess it's probably a better idea to put this here than in the other thread

Ok, so Fool's Find is coming along decently to my liking, so here's the most recent update. Line 1079 is where it begins.
Feedback, criticisms, comments, etc, are always welcome and helpful.
I'm enjoying it and it's certainly one of the more interesting stories right now.
Thanks. I'm enjoying the whole idea of how large anthro's would have to live in regular society. Don't feel shy about giving more detailed criticism, though.
I'm terrible at giving criticism tbh. That said you could expand/explain the world a bit. Like are anthros natural or artificial in nature, why they seem to be the underdogs despite being bigger and stronger, etc.
I tend to have a bit of trouble with explaining anthro's in modern settings. If it's Fantasy, humanoid species are part of the expected norm, and there's magic. If it's Science Fiction, they're either aliens or created by mankind. But in a modern day setting it's a bit harder to explain. In my view they've basically been there for most of history, though I suppose I could be a little more clear in that. I think I hinted at it at some point, as the narrowing job market for the big ones is a fairly recent thing. As for the big ones, I'm pretty sure I mentioned somewhere that they're about 2% of the population. There's regular sized anthro's, and smaller ones, but I realize I've made all incidental characters human. There's a reason all the big ones I've described thus far have all been large species. Franky herself is at the upper range for tigers. She a huge a bitch.
Someone else mentioned a viral flu. Maybe some weird stuff from china, messing with either the conception or the hosts DNA, turning them in to what they are. Think CoVid19, just that there a lot of immune people and personal transformation depends on when and where you or your mum picked up the DNA strands that made you an anthro.

Shadowrun explains this with a reawakening of magic. A reawakening of a dormant/garbage recessive string of DNA turns people in to anthros?
I need some help.
crossposting from /trash/:

A while ago, I wrote this.
As you can see, its chapter 1.
Chapter 2 is kinda hanging around on my hard drive, but I just can't seem to continue here. I'm stuck. Anyone got any ideas as to how to finish this? I just don't really feel the magic, so to speak.

Things already suggested:
which our equine friend would respond interestingly to, as I don't think she'd understand it at first.
- other equines
well, since she ran as far as she could, I don't really see a way of quickly introducing them.
- tf
always had this idea of her bringing him back to where she came from and transforming him in some shamanic ritual. Problematic is the lack of anthro sightings in the real world, though if i'm going down the magic path, that shouldn't be too hard to explain away with a parallel world. But it irks me a little.
- meeting her folks
An explanation only works in the immediate memory of the people in the setting, though. So if this happened before modern times it's just going to be "and then animal people were a thing". One thing in such a world would be historians and archeologists being on the lookout for a ground zero of anthro development. Maybe that's an entertaining thought experiment for a fic at one point or another.
I will set a 1 week timer from today. If no one else has reply to this, I will read it and give you my thoughts.
Why not just...do it without some bullshit timer?
Because I have work and other obligations. One week gives me enough time to "make time" to read and review the story.
reading now, give me a day or two to get back with you.
(part 1)
I also put what you have on "literotica" on a pastebine link for you to copy/paste into your own account and post it in the /hmofa/ thread if you so desire. I used a text wrap of 83 characters for a .txt file to best replicate the formatting you had on "literotica". I see you have gone past chapter 2, so I will give what I think so far. Out of all the things you suggested though, I am most curious about the reason behind wanting to insert a "transformation", since I don't have a clear understanding as to what would lead up to that.

If it is a love story I can see the following reasons:
>having children
>her world is not habitable by humans (see ending of Avatar)

And here Are some questions I would ask before doing it:
>Does accepting who she is and her people a big theme here? (also see Avatar)

Examples of transformations reasons:
>Avatar -> habitability
>brother bear -> communication
>the little mermaid -> habitability

Overall why is he changing? Can they not do without it?
(part 2)

Still have yet to read thoroughly, but I did skim some parts. It seems that trust is a big theme here. So if your ever running out of what to go next you can write and infinite amount of filler on either the human or anthro showing them more about their world and building even more trust.

There is a lot of grammatical mistakes, It is going to take me one more day.
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not him, and absolutely no offence meant, just thought it might be funny to point out:
*there are a lot of grammatical mistakes

but still good on you for redlining work for strangers, that's pretty cool of ya

Okay this is taking way longer than I thought. And I currently am trying to find everyday to do it. It my take me a couple more days for I want get it write:
>wording / spelling / grammatical mistakes
>thoughts on story and where to go and what not

I am putting it all in this paste bin and will update in periodically. I will get it done within the week

(Part 1)

Finished with the whole review thing: https://pastebin.com/irh01ny2. Try not to see my "redlining" as corrections, though some of them are such as changing "the the" to "the", rather as suggestions/examples on how to look at your writing differently. My suggestions for additions/deletions/substitutions are not things that NEED to be there but could be there. Some of them may be matter of my opinion and my opinion can often be wrong so just do you. Be warned I am only a reader and not a seasoned writer of this /hmofa/. Without any further delay, here is my review:


1) Biggest problem I saw was you trying to be to explain every single detail/motive of Ryan down to the exact angle he turned his palms. It is very hard to understand what you are trying to say sometimes. For Example:

"The Defender crawled through the heavy snow falling in thick tangles despite the icy temperatures. There was just so much of it that there wasn't enough room for the snow to fall in single flakes"

That is a lot of words to essentially convey "The car went through heavy snow". Such detail would make sense if it helped set up a following sentence, but it really doesn't in the context of this story.

2) If this is supposed to be a love/romance kind of fic, then I believe it could use more scenes that establish a relationship/connections b/w the two, perhaps a time skip of a week or 2, where they came up with there own set of signals or something to understand each other.

3) The anthros height was barely referred/described/utilized throughout the story after the car ride: how was he able to scrub the body without a step stool? Wouldn't she be intimidating and wouldn't she be aware of that?

4) Ryan could do better with some more characterization, for after reading it I still don't know what kind of person Ryan is. Throughout the story it was hard to distinguish b/w Ryan's thoughts and the Narrative voice of 3rd person since you made no attempt to distinguish the two it seems.
(Part 2)

1) The sex scene and the bathing scene leading up to it has adequate flow and detail relative to other stories I read: the positioning of the hands of both partners was never confusing and the reaction to stimuli was not awkward and tacked on.

2) The level of detail and focus on the anthro and how ryan had to move her around was quite extensive and really help to sell the reader of the anthro. I find that writers of /hmofa/ tend to not put into as much detail about the anthro indirectly and directly through the protag (if it's the human) five senses. Writing about an anthro is not like writing about a human where readers have a good fundamental idea of all the different shapes of humans and how their bodies interact with others and the environment. Are dictionary is built around the human anatomy and physiology, thus, incorporating anthros in a story involves one to go beyond what they who normally do for humans. Here are some examples of what you did that was above and beyond:

> the "clipclop" of her hooves in the house
> Ryan having to keep her head out of the water b/c her long snout would be submerged if her head was down.
> her enormous diet
> her size was explained well
> her head swinging around when she was unconscious as Ryan drag her was actually a hazard b/c her long snout would turn into a club every time her head would move

3) Details about the cooling system, the car, etc. They convey world building and keep the story feeling alive.
(Part 3)
Regarding on where to take the story next:
If anything I think you should flesh out their relationship and establish some sort of communication b/w them. After that what I said earlier: >>1664 >>1665 still stands.

Overall I bit more off than I could chew when reviewing this story, and what started as a simple feedback routine, turned into a whole redlining thing. I initially set a timer, b/c I wanted to wait for someone more qualified to look at it. I didn't cover everything, and I didn't address all the "areas of concerned" in my redlining". The least you can take from this is that you are at the point as a writer that you can make compelling/interesting stories, though you have problems conveying in a way that readers can understand. I say this b/c I spent most of my free time for a whole week "redlining" this story, and I wouldn't have done that if I didn't see any use in giving you feedback in hopes that you would improve. To be honest too, another reason I was spending so much time on this story is b/c I have a great affinity for communication semantics, storage, and organization and ,thus, I enjoyed reading about your descriptions of the auto cooling system and Ryan's logical step process of trying to revive someone from potential hypothermia. Anyway, I hope this feedback helped and I look forward to the next chapters of "Cold & Native"
I posted the wrong link. Here is the right one:

Sorry for intruding. This is a sequel to a previous story of mine called My Obsession, with the main character of that story trying to raise four daughters on his own while handling his trauma of being held captive and raped. I'm not sure how to ask what exactly I want, and while I'd appreciate any sort of feedback at all, I think a more concrete way to describe it is I would like to know if there's anything technically wrong with the story with grammar or structure, or if the story itself isn't entertaining or has beats that don't mesh well with one another. Like I said, I appreciate any feedback, even if it's minor notes.
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Hey guys, you're awake?

I had a few ideas for some stories. I need guidance as to where to start, how to start, and so forth. I am not a stranger to writing in general, however fiction writing is foreign to me.

My first idea I got from a dream I had a few years ago:
>Anon is standing in a field when he sees a city in distance up in a cloud of smoke
>a few strangers with nearby begin to panic
>fast forward into the future and the country is a very different place
>a lot of infrastructure was destroyed
>gov is around but mostly a puppet for mega corporations
>anon is a member of private security force
>fancy bullpup PDWs, armor, and helmets
>the team was on a search and destroy mission to find a "bio terrorist" or rogue scientist
>deep in the sewers of an abandoned city they look for the hideout
>an anthro cheetah pounces on anon
>she doesnt hurt him, just stares at him
>he shoves her off and his team light her up
>they soon find the hideout of the scientists
>the scientists have a make shift lab and home built from scavenged materials
>there are also a dozen or so anthros which are their creation
>scientists plead that we let them live since the anthros are innocent
>they seem scared and are cowering in a corner
>the soldiers shoot them all and secure any documents worth saving
>as they rise back up to the surface they see an APC ready to take them back to their city
>everyone is rather celebratory except anon
>anon talks to his commander and feels bad about what just happened
>the commander says something to the effect of "We didnt kill them the scientists did"
>they load into the vehicle and go home

My idea for the story would anon having doubts about his employer's morally dubious tasks and secrets around them such as "why do they want anyone associated with the anthro project killed?". There could be some kind of romance or something in the plot but it isn't required.

My second idea, not dream inspiried, for a story goes as follows:
>anon is like a doomer type character (outdated meme, I know, but the archetype is familiar)
>he is hopeless, depressed, lonely, he lives a meager existence
>his life consists of cigarettes, booze, junk food, sleepless nights, his occasional food delivery jobs he does to barely scrape by
>one day he learns about a meditation technique on a new age spirituality forum
>the technique supposedly helps with sleep but users claim they've had out of body experiences
>curious anon tries it out
>his body is whisked away across space and maybe time
>his soul settles on a desert looking planet with celestial features he's never seen before
>he descends and hovers city that resembles ancient Babylon (or maybe it will be Persia or Golden age Arabia)
>the city is bustling with markets and people going about their business, completely unaware of anon
>his soul floats into a large temple or palace structure
>there he sees a princess demi-goddess sitting on her throne (not sure what species to make her, I am leaning on jackal though)
>she looks up and speaks to him in a language he has never heard before
>as she steps closer he can feel a warm energy radiating from her
>he makes eye contact with her and looses all thought
>she smiles and caresses his face
>anon feels enveloped in a aura of ecstasy and bliss
>as soon as it started it is over
>anon drops back into his body in his bed
>he desperately tries to go back but he cannot

The rest of the story will be anon trying to return to this place and to this anthro lady. Anon, while walking in his city one night, sees and ad for his local museum and discovers that she is a central figure in an ancient culture and religion and he begins to become borderline obsessed with research on the language, practices, etc of this civilization.

These are my ideas... how can further develop them?
will link your post in the next thread recap on 4chins
You didnt need to do that anon. I was just looking for writing tips and guidance. For now Id just like for everything thats here to stay here...
Ok. Sorry about that then.
It's okay. I love you.
t-thank you
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>Want to try my hand at writing a combat scene.
>Sci-fi setting so I settled on Laser weapons.
>Wonder what would a hit from a military grade laser would do to a person.
>Check Atomic Rockets

I wasn't expecting that level of U L T R A V I O L E N C E. Especially going further beyond and reading the section on what exactly happens when you vaporize flesh and even an entire person.
Remember kids, military grade lasers won't just blind you.
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Interesting. I always liked the lasrifles used by the Imperial Guard in the Warhammer 40k universe. They tend to be scoffed at as having poor stopping power (people call them "flashlights") but this is more due to the absolute crazy power and size that some of the monsters in 40k have. For unarmored or lightly armored enemies the weapon is just fine. On an unarmored/lightly armored enemy the lasgun can cleanly sever a limb. It does this by vaporizing aka boiling the blood and tissue within the area that was shot, the wound then cauterizes almost instantly. With this it can also be assumed that organs would also be badly damaged by a lasrifle shot as well.

Laser weapons that could vaporize an entire person's body would have a tremendous amount of energy, it would be like being hit directly by a bolt of lightning. This is why I liked the lasguns of 40k, they feel more like normal small arms than a person deleter.

I personally like futuristic ballistic guns over laser or plasma weapons, but they're still cool. What kind of laser weapons will you use in your story and how will they operate?
Luckily for all sci-fi space people lasers are the big suck for any sort of planetside deployment, and can be countered relatively easily by things that refract the beam. Unless those things can be overcome, I would suspect they would remain a specialist type of weaponry. You'd mount them on spaceships, because the whole speed of light thing is pretty handy when you're engaging at distances where light lag becomes a thing, and there's nothing in space to refract the beam over those distances. Much, anyway. But their characteristics really don't lend themselves to personal use. The instant hit factor is nice, but it's something that becomes more of a benefit at longer ranges. So they might be more suited for space use, but a lot of combat between people in space is going to take place onboard of space ships. That is, in extremely close range. There's really no reason to use a laser in those situations.

So I'd expect some sniper type applications, but not widespread use as a standard weapon system.

I recall some official material stating that a lasgun has about the same stopping power as a .50 BMG.
>Laser weapons that could vaporize an entire person's body would have a tremendous amount of energy
40k, being 40k, has something like that too in the form of Volkite weapons.
Although no one strictly knows what they are, this is the mechanics, after all, it is known that they fire a beam powerful enough to vaporize and unarmoured target and severely injure anyone near the victim. Despite their tremendous energy hey seem to do poorly at piercing armour. As such, they were the favoured anti-ork weapon of the astartes legions early in the great crusade.

For my own writings, I have particle weapons pull double duty, you see in the setting ion drives are the main form of propulsion for aerial vehicles, and an ion drive is really just the same thing as an ion cannon but with a wider particle dispersion. So if you would "focus" your ion thruster it instantly becomes an ion cannon.
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Have any of you ever read this story? Unfortunately it has been taken down, but a good summary of the plot is written in the article. Some of the cringe stuff aside I think this could have been a pretty interesting idea for a story. Basically a human boy learns he can transverse to parallel worlds and he encounters all sorts of races, planets, and conflicts. Read the summary for yourself, what do you think about it?

Hey everyone, Jacklin here. My new story is up. Figured I'd post it here too.
It is a 12k long epic poem. Read for omniwaifurs
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>furry epic poem
now that's new
omniwaifurs woke tho

Didn't bother to check the links but it's at least partly available on Wayback Machine.
I cannot believe I forgot to check the wayback machine. Thanks for the find, however upon reading these stories they definitely are rather cringey. Maybe there are still some positives to draw from them for ideas or something. The wiki page does help to make more sense of what is going on in the stories compared to reading some of the stories themselves do funny enough.