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Anonymous 10/21/2019 (Mon) 14:08:28 No. 693
/hmofa/ Writing Feedback Thread

Post your greens/pastes, request critiques, and provide feedback for others.

>>New to writing, or critiquing? Consult the Writing tips and Guides pastes!<<

>>Looking for feedback on your story?<<
-Try to clearly state what it is you want input on.
-Have patience! Good critique takes time to articulate!

>>Want to provide feedback?<<
-Try to address as many of the concerns the author mentions in their post.
-Avoid saying that you simply liked or disliked something! Provide reasoning for your critiques.
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>feedback thread
how do I draw lol
I don't know shit about how to draw, but I've heard drawing big aggressive girls is the best practice
do that a lot and post 'em here please
It'd be interesting to have this thread dedicated to any creative medium.

The drawing improvement thread on /trash/ is pretty good if you ask for critique.
Suppose I'll have a go.
>Fantasy, attempts at drama, M(Human)/F(Anthropomorphic Wolf), kissing, exploitative relationship, handjob, thigh sex, dubious consent (from the male)
"A human apothecary is enlisted by a couple of beast-women to accompany them on the delivery of a package. Not everything goes according to plan, and some ravenous desires come to light."

Currently 40,000 words, so I understand why few people want to properly comment on it, but I just generally want to know how I'm doing with keeping this interesting and how the characters mesh.
I have no set plan for the story. Some vague ideas, yes, but when I sit down to write I usually just go back and see where the characters would end up based on their actions and personality. I think this lends itself to my uneasiness about writing characters or a plot, because it's all made up on the spot. This paranoia is furthered by my reliance on other people for ideas, as I've pretty much only done requests exclusively. Even this story was a prompt, inspired by Reccand's art. So while everyone says the characters are good and interesting, it's hard to perceive them as such when I essentially just scribble out a few thousand words and lie down while wondering if any of it even made sense.
I understand it must have some merit based on a few responses and repeated viewership, which I appreciate immensely, but receiving "it's good" repeatedly makes it feel like a placating response made for the sake of feeling good.

Let me first state something you don't want to here: I have been following this story since the beginning and think its enjoyable and look forward to more.

Now for what you came for:

From your post, I assume you think you have the personalities of Ava and Nortan figured out, but have you well established their histories and personnel values? What past relationship, if any, did Ava have to make her act like this? What about Norton? Sometimes a person's actions are more shaped by their history than their personalities. As a reader, Norton's behavior towards Ava's advancements, can be confusing, contradictory and/or inexpiable at times. Let me explain, Norton got stuck with these beast-women for they were his only chance at survival after people started coming after them right? And now he has this wolf-women trying be sexual with him, her intentions unclear (though one could infer she wants him as an object of sexual relief), yet Norton doesn't confront her aggressively enough to try and stop her. Does Norton not do this because he is afraid of them or is trying to keep the group together so he can reach his destination in one piece, or does he feel bad for her or thinks there is something to her worth trying to mitigate the relationship. Based on reading your story and your post on it, I'd might think that Norton would be thinking that of the former reason, besides that one scene where he kisses her out of pity after the lamprey attack. Norton is presented as an intelligent and decent person, so in this situation I would expect much more inner monologue from him about his "shitty" situation. I am sure you have read the story "my Obsession" by idontwantthis. Although not exactly the same situation, of course, we have two humies forced to be sexual with an anthro not b/c their ugly but b/c they do not agree with the anthros motives or the way they present themselves. Both of them are powerless in their situation and hold varying degrees of resentment towards the anthro. However, Norton has shown some kind of "pity" torwards the anthro and in some conversations with her even explains how a relationship would be possible but they would have to get to know each other first. Does he say this to put the anthro at ease or is he actually considering it? I now think this would be a totally different story if Norton wanted nothing what so ever to do with her, he would be plotting and scheming like the anon in "my obsession". Now with that explained, why does Norton feel this way? I see no signs from Ava that her motives are not as selfish and nefarious as the anthro from "My Obssesion", or why Norton would think they wouldn't be? Norton is pretty much alone with these mercs, and any sign of his well-being not be consider should terrify him, like him thinking he is being treated like a piece of meat, like how their was a "previous toy", how Ava's partner does nothing to aid Norton. They could sell him off to slavery and there is literally nothing he could do about it. So far in this story this can be attributed to how fast everything has changed for Norton, but now he is out somewhere in the town with Ava, where he can at least recuperate his thoughts. I guess what I am trying to say what does Norton see in Ava and his situation that is in contrast to how it would leave most people paranoid and terrified to be in the company of (possible) two blood thirsty killers with no thought to your self-being except sexual relief. As a reader these were my problems, and I can see them resolved if there relationships were test, consider the following:
>>710 (continued)

>Something happens and Norton is in danger. Let's say Ava can easily get a new "toy", would she go back and save Norton? Would Lydia save Norton?
>If Ava were to be hit on by another man, would she not need Norton? Would she drop him on the spot? Or have a "one night stand" and move on with her more portable "toy"? Hypothetically, how would Norton feel about that.
>What would happen if Norton would have to choose b/w Ava and Lydia if only one of them could live?
>Is Ava Obsessive of Norton, what would happen if Lydia or another women would try to be sexual with him?
>What would Ava have to do, to prove to Norton, that she does not see him as a sexual object?
>Does Norton worry that Ava is just using him as an excuse to escape her life and settle down after a life of selfish decisions? If so would Norton resent her for that?
>How is Norton's trust of Lydia and Ava? Could he be convince based on evidence of a past action that they are no good and betray them, or would he refuse to believe they would betray him and stick with them?
>If something happens would Norton go back to save Ava? Would he leave the group the moment he got the chance?

I really think that for this story to resolve properly, Ava must do a lot on her part to show she wants a relationship (if she really does) and to put Norton at ease. I think that is the dynamic you missing, Ava trying her best to show to alieve Nortans Aversion with her, instead of Norton dancing around her emotions like a slave being on his best behavior with his master, eventually at least. Mattariel wrote a story called "Firebrand" that illustrates this dynamic where a humie would only come together with the anthro if he were to be treated like a equal an not getting kissed just by her b/c she wanted it and did not think of his well being. That is my two cents. I hope it makes sense and I know what I am talking about.
>I really think that for this story to resolve properly, Ava must do a lot on her part to show she wants a relationship (if she really does) and to put Norton at ease. I think that is the dynamic you missing, Ava trying her best to show to alleviate Norton's Aversion with her

Sorry, that was phrase kinda of poorly. A more concise statement would be: Norton should not be the only one trying to resolve this relationship (if there is one), it would feel more natural if Ava would put in work to, especially since Norton is the one powerless in this situation.
I am so happy to receive this feedback, thank you!

Indeed, it's true I have very little in the way of a set past for these characters. Amusingly, Lydia has the most fleshed out one in my mind, then Ava, then Norton. I suppose that's me falling back on the generic self-insert character, which has been a serious worry for me for some time. I haven't read "My Obsession". I tend not to read things from the thread unless they specifically ask for feedback, not out of any dislike or disinterest, but because I'm far too paranoid of taking ideas from them unconsciously. So I suppose I should look over those for a better idea of how this should work.

I didn't realize I made the two mercenaries so scary. At first, yes, but as they went on I figured I softened them up enough so that Norton was at least amicable toward them. At least enough not to be scared of them. I think I've set up things that are being misconstrued. Lydia referring to Norton as a toy wasn't really a reference to a past partner Ava had, just a drunken angry rant. I figured loneliness, pity, and general attraction towards Ava, coupled with skin contact, helped to try and keep him with her. Though it seems I need more and now I'm starting to worry I can't fix this at all. I figured Ava herself has latched to Norton because he's relatively normal and can't push back.

In regards to the tests, well, some of them are very good and I might have to use one, but I've been thinking on what Ava's past actually is. Spoilers, I suppose: Ava was scarred sometime earlier in her life, I'm guessing early 20's. She had sexual partners in the past, but the scarring really damaged her mentally. No one wanted anything to do with her. Partners were nonexistent, so now that she has the chance at one that's weak and easy to manipulate, she's pounced on the opportunity and held tight. Some part of her does want a relationship, but years of only a hand to help has taken its toll. Something like that. Perhaps it's too cliche. I'll have to think on it, though I'm still miserable with ideas.

The next portion I'm going to write (if I'm ever going to get around to it), was going to shed a little more light on how they feel properly about one another and Lydia. I had planned some outburst from Norton - at least some "pushback". It seems I'll need more internal thoughts from him as well. I'm worried I can't steer this in the right direction now, but I'll give it a shot. Maybe I'll have to rework some previous parts too.

Thank you so very much, once again.
Blessed counsel. Tbh, try simple figure drawing first, experiment with shapes and bodily gestures. You can even approach this with drawings as complex as stick figures.
Your welcome. If by "falling back" you mean "being more comfortable with" you might overcome this by maybe sitting down as developing characters on based on how people would interact or bounce off with the self-insert. Since your "insert" is very well defined, you can easily create very well defined hypothetical interactions and relationships with another character; and thus build that character as you defined more interactions and relationships. It could be a long and lengthy process, but it might be worth it to create unique characters that are not "inserts".

The scariness of the mercs is more circumstance than any inherent trait of theirs; rather the situation, their capabilities, and the foreignness of anthros; If I recall correctly, neither Norton nor Ava has contact with the other kind, let alone any sexual contact. Thus the possible fear I was referring to is that of the "unkown". I am not saying Norton should fear them, but rather he has reason to. What I guess you are having trouble with articulating and creating sensible dialogue for the reasons he is not afraid and "loneliness, pity, and general attractions" are all logical reasons for him not to be or not to be as scared as much. Us as a reader, just need to know why Ava is the source of these feelings and why are they equal or greater to those of resentment, fear, disgust, and other feelings one who is powerless and does not know if his well-being is being considered. And from here I must ask how do you as the writer feel torward Ava? Is she a good person? Why would a person like Norton pity such a women? Likeable? Redeemable? Does she deserve a relationship with Norton? Would the reader answer these question the same even though they don't have your knowledge or understanding of Ava? It seems, in my opinion, Ava is the one that needs the more fleshing out, for one could argue that at the moment she is relatively more 1D than the other characters: one could possibly see her as a mundane cycle of self-pity, aggressive desire, and wanton selfishness. It's very hard writing flawed characters like Ava, for even though a writer can see clearly her redemption and why the other characters accept it, if not articulated to the reader correctly or fully, they may be left thinking that she got away with her actions and got what she wanted with out any redemption. Though, the harsh truth about the prior statements is that redemption and the worthiness of it is completely subjective and will never be universal for all readers. I guess this is why writing is so hard and stressful. Here are some questions some readers may ask themselves:

>Does Ava Like Norton for Nortan or is she Desperate?
>How would the absence of past events change Ava's Outlook on Nortan?
>Is Ava's current being and action the conscious decision to seek a relationship, or the sub-conscious initiation of coping mechanism after her past left her scarred? To put it more Briefly: are her actions her tying to recover from her scars, or are they just here trying all she can to escape her past scars with little forethought put it? A little of both?

This post might have seem a bit more subjective from my point, but I thought I write it this way since you said you were "miserable with ideas". I hoped this helped and I apologize if anything came off as too subjective or nonsensical. That being said I look forward to the progress of this story as well as any other of your future stories.
>I hoped this helped and I apologize if anything came off as too subjective or nonsensical.
Of course it helped. I'm glad someone was finally able to point out flaws.

I didn't quite mean to make Norton a self-insert. I certainly don't share any features with him, and have tried to make him a unique individual. Just that I worry I have made him seem as such because I'm so used to writing self-inserts due to years of requests.

I definitely need to expand on Norton's thoughts. I've often been told to show, not tell, so I've tried to suggest his thinking process through his actions more than direct thoughts. Still seems that's too difficult for me. I'm not sure if I should go back and add more thoughts or just try to expand on what he's thinking through dialogue. I was hoping they could talk more about their relationship at this "restaurant" area, but I've been seriously troubled in how to continue and incredibly lazy. Especially now that I've received an overwhelming amount of watching eyes on SoFurry.

Odd question. What do I think of the wolfess? I see her as pathetic and needy, with a shell of bombastic energy around her to cover up her insecurities. I think I'll need to consider some of these other things. The only concrete answer I have is that Norton sort of sees a little of how much she hates the way she looks, which he pitied. I suppose I need to make that more clear. I've been staving off looking into her background, both because I'm worried it'll be boring trite nonsense, and not sure where I'd place it. She's definitely not one to dripfeed info. I figure she'd burst like a dam and break down when she actually speaks about it. I'd rather not delay any more, so I'll try my best in making it clear to the readers what's going on, as difficult as it may be. I'll definitely be covering at least some of those questions in the next update, whenever that may be.

Thanks again!
Your Welcome and Good luck on the story and your other works. I look forward to your progress!
You keep doing it.
Figure drawing like the one anon said. Fanart. Doodles. Doesn't matter, the most important thing anyone has to know about "how to get better at drawing art" is that you have to keep drawing.
These "little drawings" you are doing are the exact and perfect step in the direction of getting better at art in general. If there's something specific you want to learn how to draw, find resources and/or references and then copy them. The rest is up to you.
Also learn some patience, you won't get it in a month or two.
I'm hoping to get something like beta reading help on a 'new' and, as of recently, rescinded and unreleased chapter of Where Kitsune Wait.
I have been very dissatisfied with the 'fifth chapter' so I decided to remove it from the pastebin, but leave story. It's taken me too long to figure out what to do there and I'm sorry for all the shit it caused.
Instead of getting rid of 'fifth chapter' altogether I'd really like outside opinions and critique. Or opinions and advice in general. The story is my first venture into strictly 1st person POV and I've been doing a lot of experimentation, so I really don't know if I'm screwing it all up or not. I don't even know what the appeal of the story is to people.
This isn't an easy or simple thing I'm asking, I know. The story is 61,000 words, and the 'fifth chapter' is another 15,000 words. It's a stupid timesink that just gets bigger and bigger, and I'm an idiot who's turned down previous offers of help when it was smaller. But I'm at my wits end with this story so I'm at least casting this out there.

>Where Kitsune Wait itself
>The 'fifth chapter' that I'd like thoughts on but probably won't use

I'm around various places and I'll check here now and again. Even if you don't know how or don't want to help, thanks for reading my ramblings.

Also, sorry if this isn't quite right for the critique thread.
>Also, sorry if this isn't quite right for the critique thread.
I made this thread for exactly this kind of stuff, don't worry about it. Like I said in the other thread, I want this thread to be a resource that writers can use to improve their stories.

I'll give both the whole story and the hypothetical chapter 5 a read through and give you my thoughts as soon as I can. Outside of your POV concerns, is there any else you'd specifically like feedback on?
I really like the idea of a feedback thread, but I wasn't sure if what I'm asking would count. I'll try not to worry about it.

Thank you.
I do have more than the POV I'd like feedback on. Whether the characters are interesting or dull, and if the interactions are okay. If I'm even presenting the plot coherently. But that's general.
Uh, on the hypothetical chapter I'd really like feedback on pace, and whether it even feels necessary. I think I wrote a wall of fluff, and not the good kind, in an effort to build up character interactions. There's a poorly handled subplot in it I'm thinking about striking altogether, even if it means drastically rewriting a majority of the chapter.
But really I'd be happy to get any sort of feedback, even things like "wow this part here sucks"
I'll keep that in mind. It's going to take me a while to put something together for so much, but I'll try to have something for you by Friday night.
Putting this out here to see what people think on it.
>Fool's Find
I keep going back and forth on whether or not I want to just scrap the whole thing and start over. I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for in terms of feedback, other than wondering if this whole "object from another world" idea is even working for anyone.
I'd like to try my hand at providing some feedback as well once I have a chance to read through everything.

Please don't beat yourself up so much. I very much sympathize with your desire to nail the execution of your work, but you need to treat writing as a pastime and not an obligation. Instead of apologizing and denigrating yourself, embrace the opportunity to explore a different avenue through this story and enjoy the journey. There's no pressure from the rest of us, only what you perceive and impose upon yourself.

I can look at this too. What makes you want to scrap it? Do you feel as though you've written yourself into a corner? Do you not feel comfortable with the dynamics of the characters you've established?
>written yourself into a corner?
Pretty much that. I don't know where the hell I'm going with the plot, either. I had a basic plot outline, but I could never figure out how to get to the major beats, and so all this filler stuff feels kinda pointless and dull, like it's just wasting everyone's time reading it.
Hey boyos, it's JacklinMauer, I've been monitoring and lurking this chan for awhile now and despite my reservations to post on here, it seems this is where a lot of the write/drawfags go to to escape the shitposting on /trash/.
I got some good feedback from my latest story a little while back, but as I'm slowy slogging through this, I need some more. This is frankly the toughest thing I've written so far due to how different it is from the others:
>Third person omnipotent narrator switching perspectives between different characters constantly.
>No hint of romance in part 1
>Instead of focusing on the main character, have a chorus of characters that all need to be interesting to read about.
>High Fantasy with magic n' sheeit.

The last thing I wrote that I had this much trouble with was HYSTN. I'm hoping I can get more feedback from you guys and I hope that this initial struggle I'm having is simply due to growing pains from writing something completely different. This has the potential to be my best work (or at least equal to Amaroq) but this first part of the story is prooving to be a grueling process.
Thank you.

If you do read it I'd appreciate any kind of feedback.

I'm trying not to be so negative and actually look for help now. But it's plain fact that I'm an idiot for turning away help on this for so long - it really feels awful to ask someone to read my stuff. Even if there's a tenuous or direct offer.
At risk of blogposting, I'm still really fucked in the head from irl stuff. Writing's been my zen-like hobby, or it was.trying to turn things around on that front.
Make sure to link your story so people can give it a readthrough.

>it really feels awful to ask someone to read my stuff

I understand what you mean. But when it comes to writing, drawing, or any creative medium, the creator can only do so much to objectively analyze their work. There's no weakness or shame in seeking out a fresh perspective on things; in fact, it takes a lot of courage to do so.

I'm sorry that IRL stuff has been giving you a rough time. I wish you the best on getting yourself where you need to be.

I'll start compiling notes as I read beginning tonight once I come home from work.
>Make sure to link your story so people can give it a readthrough.

Oh damn lol I totally forgot to do that.
Here it is about 24k words at the moment.
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>it really feels awful to ask someone to read my stuff.
If it makes you feel any better, I've really been enjoying rereading where kitsune wait for my critique. I'd gladly read through anything else you write in the future.

Speaking of my critique, I'm almost done with it. But I don't think it'll be ready until tomorrow, sorry. I've really been trying to pick everything apart in order to give the best criticism I can possibly provide.

Again, sorry for the delay, but I think WKW is better than you give it credit for. There's a lot of things you did with it that I really liked, and will explain in detail in my critique.
Before I begin, I forgot to mention earlier that the main paste for WkW has the same section/ chapter posted twice from line 1884 onward.

Hopefully I’ll give you something useful from this:

Generally speaking, I struggle to find anything wrong about your use of first person POV in this story. The way you tell the story through the eyes of Egil is consistent, and is explained in a way that makes sense. By this I mean that Egil’s internal monologue works due to how it is presented in the story, since it is in line with what you would expect someone to be thinking and it comes off as sounding natural to the reader. In fact, I was only able to spot one error in your POV through the entire story:

line 152: Something about the tails was important what was it, think Egil.

That’s literally the only thing I could find that could really be called an error in POV, and it can be fixed by simply changing the sentence to something like, “Something about the tails was important; what was it?”
Other than that, for your first try at first person POV, I’d say you’re doing very well.
I think you portray all the different characters quite well; they all have their own distinct personalities, and quirks that I think makes them interesting. An example of these quirks can be seen in the ‘waking nightmares’ that Egil suffers, and by extension his fear of man eaters, which are a constant internal struggle with himself whenever he interacts with Rin and her sisters due to their man eater-esque features. Now that he is effectively stuck in a house full of kitsune, I feel that this presents an opportunity for him to grow as a character and possibly get to grips with his fear of man eaters before the ultimate clash with the Oni Kenta. This also presents a possible interaction between Rin and Egil where she can help him overcome this fear, since it seems apparent that she has suspicions that this is the case. Egil also gives off the impression that he is an unsatisfied adventurer who kind of wants to leave it all behind or die trying, but doesn’t want to admit it to himself. I get the impression that his innermost desire is to find someone to love him, if the rune fortunes are any indication. I also noticed that the fortune ‘I shall find what I have always sought if I help this fox,’ is a fortune that also pertains to Rin; what Egil gains from helping the fox is the same thing he can give her to help her, so it seems to me that the love of another is something they both need. I really like the rune reading of Egil; I’d like to see him consult them more in the future.

The one sort of issue I have with Egil is why is he hunting man eaters? While it is noble of him to go and kill them for everyone’s safety, there should be some other reason he’s doing this. Is he doing this in reverence to his gods? Perhaps he’s doing this to try and restore his sense of honor from fleeing his homeland? That’s what I gleaned from it, but I’m not sure if that’s the case.

The interactions between the characters is enjoyable. The characters all talk and interact with each other in ways that are consistent with their established personalities, and I think they all mesh pretty well. I really liked how you connected past interactions with other interactions further along in the story. I’m specifically thinking about when Rin first experiences one of Egil’s ‘waking nightmares’ during his first night in the kitsune’s house, and is used again in another important part of the story when Egil grabs Rin’s muzzle and she understands that he means no harm to her due to this interaction, which led to her stopping Saki and simply asking Egil if he had ‘Another waking nightmare,’ and put him at ease. I really liked how you tied that together. As a reader, it makes me interested in what other events from the past will have bearing on future interactions, which is exciting and makes me want more.
I’m pretty sure I have a good idea where the story is heading; Egil is on a mission to kill the man eater he has heard rumors of on the mountain. Everything that is happening in the story has been leading up to that, and it all is presented in a clear way. Everything Egil does is in an effort to discover if there is indeed truth to the rumors surrounding the mountain, and when he learns that the rumors are true, and how Rin and her sisters are connected to it, everything ties into the central plot of the story in a logical way. I don’t have much else to say other than the end goal of the story is clear defined, and the reasons for the characters to be involved in it makes sense.
Chapter 5:
Before I get into the meat-and-potatoes of chapter 5, I want to figure out what the subplot is exactly.
>There's a poorly handled subplot in it I'm thinking about striking altogether
I think it’s pretty sure this subplot would be the saki poisoning? Depending on where you wanted to go with it, I think it could work. It could be some sort of shenanigans with Miki trying to get into Egil’s pants, but then why would she poison the same saki that Egil is sharing with Rin? She should know that Rin would be able to detect it, so maybe it was something else? Since Shizuka said she was in on the plot, I’m more inclined to believe that the sisters were trying to play a game of matchmaker between Rin and Egil. Perhaps that’s what you had in mind? I can’t really judge if the subplot is worth keeping if I don’t know what it is, but if it’s the latter, I think it could work.

Anyways, chapter 5 as a whole, seems good. Nothing really overstays its welcome, and I think that the scene where Rin is teaching Egil how to grip and use hashi does well to develop their relationship into a less formal, casual one. The only reservation I have in terms of plot/ character interaction in this chapter is the scene where Egil trips and Saki catches him. Egil has been curious about Saki’s finesse, and I feel that after she managed to catch him the way she did, and his subsequent bewilderment on how that was even possible, I feel like he should’ve asked her about it even if he felt embarrassed about it. I think it could’ve been a way to make Saki open up a little more to him.

And… That’s about it. Chapter 5 could use a bit of editing to get rid of spelling/ grammar errors like you said, but otherwise I think that’s it. I hope that this will make you feel better about the story, since I really do like it and I really want to see it continue. You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself; I think you're a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! If you have any questions or want me to elaborate a little more on something, I'll be around to answer them.

I just sent you a PM on Pastebin with feedback regarding Fool's Find. Please take a look when you have a chance, and let me know once you've seen it.


Still working on reading WKW so I can give you feedback. I do have to say it's an engaging read so far. I'll avoid spoiling myself with the feedback already provided here so as to provide a (hopefully) new perspective on the story.
I read your feedback, and thank you. Though, why you didn't just post it here is kinda odd.
Anyway, I'll be keeping that stuff in mind. Still undecided on whether or not to scrap the story and start fresh, though, but I greatly appreciate your advice.
There is one point I would like to sorta refute, and it's your idea of needing the characters to "earn" the right to have the mystery rock. My whole thing with it is that, it's honestly not like they were chosen or anything significant like that. They just happened to be there at the right time.
Also, when I talked about filler stuff, I specifically meant the Boylan segment and the current stuff with the archive. The former was just a one off idea about justifying the MC's dislike of nobles, and the latter is just where I'm at now, fumbling about unsure how to get to the next main plot beat. I don't consider them to be important parts of the story, which is why I was worried readers would find them boring.
Sorry, I figured it would be easier for me to dump what I was typing in my Word doc into Pastebin with some slight Markdown for readability. I know that this site does have specialized formatting available, but I'm used to using headers, bulleted lists, and so forth for presenting walls of text.

I can see what you mean with respect to the introduction of the rock. My concern is that the beginning of the scene doesn't do much to draw the reader's attention away from the convenience of those two being there. The narrator even remarks how "luck would have it" that the rock landed near them. If you want to separate yourself from the "powerful object randomly falls into protagonist's hands" trope, I think the overall presentation needs to be much more potent than it is right now.

I think it's a mistake to just write off the Boylan and the archive scenes as unimportant. I mentioned some ways to bolster the scenes or the areas around them, but there are plenty of opportunities to make these interactions relevant for the future. For instance, if you make Boylan more of a heel, it becomes that much more significant if Boylan were to reappear later in the story and cause problems for Graham and Twi once the power of the rock is better known. You prep some possible developments on the backburner, and you can make use of them once the time is right.

If you don't think you can get any current or future use out of a particular scene, then by all means, go ahead and scrap it. But I think there's potential no matter the scenario if you set things up correctly. I can't stop you from starting the entire story fresh, but I don't believe you need to do that. You just need to find meaning for the scenes that are meant to segue to more "interesting" happenings.

I finished reading over Where Kitsune Wait plus the extra chapter. Please check your PMs on Pastebin, and let me know once you've had a chance to look at the feedback.


I'll start looking at this one next. Also a courtesy bump to anyone who hasn't seen the link yet since it may have been buried among other posts.
Thank you both, I greatly appreciate this.
I've read what's here and skimmed the feedback pastebin. This is far more help than I ever thought I'd get on wkw.

And sorry, it's going to be a few days before I can seriously look through any feedback. I'll definitely have questions for you both, though.
Thank you, a whole hell of a lot. This is very insightful and helpful. It's going to take me a while to chew through it all, but that's a nice feeling.

Do you have somewhere I can message you privately? Or if you'd rather keep it here I can liberally use spoiler tags where I need to.
Uhh... I suppose you could message me on pastebin, if that works?

>Has no public pastes
I've been thinking about writing something for the thread for a while now. That may change soonish.
There's a couple of things I want to ask and elaborate on in private, for reasons I hope make sense.

But, hearing what you liked and what you think I'm doing okay helps. I can only see things from my position as the writer, so I don't know what's good or bad.
Well besides the village stuff, I don't think I did that part well at all. I'd rather build off of them and go with some of my plans instead of rewrite that section though, because I know I would get trapped in the rewrite cycle if I did.
But I do plan to involve more rune readings in the story, and deal with the ones I've already given.
I've wanted to give a lot of Egil's motivations in dialogue, but I've been really slow getting there. It's not good having a main character with motivations that don't seem strong to readers.
But being slow is a big worry I have with this story, that and that I've been dragging events out between important plot points.

Anyway, spoilering some things since I want to ask about the possible ch5
This is probably evident to a lot of people, but I had Egil break his arm just so he had to rely on the kitsune and start to open up. Otherwise this thing would be a lot longer and so stretched out nothing hmofa would happen.

In general I wanted to ask: do you think ch5 is too long? Or that it drags on too much, distracting from the ultimate goal that you fairly accurately summed up ? I've been really worried about dragging out this section, and the whole 'Egil recovering in the kitsune home' part, but I also needed to introduce things.
You're right with Saki and Egil's interaction. She's going to be very important, she's Meiko's twin after all, so I really do need to have her open up. She and Egil are going to get a bit closer once he's healed and she learns that he wants to help with the Kenta situation. So do you think getting that moving faster now would be a good idea?
The rice wine poisoning is indeed the subplot I've been thinking about removing. I flipfloped like crazy on how to handle the apology Shizuka and Mike gave, from having them each explain their motivations and swear they didn't know the other was involved, to even Rin apologizing the second they were gone since she got deceived after saying she could detect anything wrong.
Sent my thoughts on pastebin. Check your messages.
laaate, but I was just pulling your leg, famberlamps. You're offering great feedback to our writefriends, and that's super outstanding. Thank you. Again, late, lol. sry
Revisions on Fool's Find are coming along slowly. I only just really started. I know not many care, but figured I'd let those that do know the update probably won't be dropping until the end of the month since I'm essentially rewriting entire segments.
I am willing to wait: Good quality stories are worth waiting for.
Are people still checking this thread?

I've been working on this for the past few months. Or rather, I've not been working on it for most of that time, because discipline is hard. I intended this as an in-between story before starting a more serious project, but it kind of became a thing on its own. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants, but enjoying writing it so far. Kind of wondering if it's fun to read, too.

I guess it's probably a better idea to put this here than in the other thread

Ok, so Fool's Find is coming along decently to my liking, so here's the most recent update. Line 1079 is where it begins.
Feedback, criticisms, comments, etc, are always welcome and helpful.
I'm enjoying it and it's certainly one of the more interesting stories right now.
Thanks. I'm enjoying the whole idea of how large anthro's would have to live in regular society. Don't feel shy about giving more detailed criticism, though.
I'm terrible at giving criticism tbh. That said you could expand/explain the world a bit. Like are anthros natural or artificial in nature, why they seem to be the underdogs despite being bigger and stronger, etc.
I tend to have a bit of trouble with explaining anthro's in modern settings. If it's Fantasy, humanoid species are part of the expected norm, and there's magic. If it's Science Fiction, they're either aliens or created by mankind. But in a modern day setting it's a bit harder to explain. In my view they've basically been there for most of history, though I suppose I could be a little more clear in that. I think I hinted at it at some point, as the narrowing job market for the big ones is a fairly recent thing. As for the big ones, I'm pretty sure I mentioned somewhere that they're about 2% of the population. There's regular sized anthro's, and smaller ones, but I realize I've made all incidental characters human. There's a reason all the big ones I've described thus far have all been large species. Franky herself is at the upper range for tigers. She a huge a bitch.
Someone else mentioned a viral flu. Maybe some weird stuff from china, messing with either the conception or the hosts DNA, turning them in to what they are. Think CoVid19, just that there a lot of immune people and personal transformation depends on when and where you or your mum picked up the DNA strands that made you an anthro.

Shadowrun explains this with a reawakening of magic. A reawakening of a dormant/garbage recessive string of DNA turns people in to anthros?
I need some help.
crossposting from /trash/:

A while ago, I wrote this.
As you can see, its chapter 1.
Chapter 2 is kinda hanging around on my hard drive, but I just can't seem to continue here. I'm stuck. Anyone got any ideas as to how to finish this? I just don't really feel the magic, so to speak.

Things already suggested:
which our equine friend would respond interestingly to, as I don't think she'd understand it at first.
- other equines
well, since she ran as far as she could, I don't really see a way of quickly introducing them.
- tf
always had this idea of her bringing him back to where she came from and transforming him in some shamanic ritual. Problematic is the lack of anthro sightings in the real world, though if i'm going down the magic path, that shouldn't be too hard to explain away with a parallel world. But it irks me a little.
- meeting her folks
An explanation only works in the immediate memory of the people in the setting, though. So if this happened before modern times it's just going to be "and then animal people were a thing". One thing in such a world would be historians and archeologists being on the lookout for a ground zero of anthro development. Maybe that's an entertaining thought experiment for a fic at one point or another.
I will set a 1 week timer from today. If no one else has reply to this, I will read it and give you my thoughts.
Why not just...do it without some bullshit timer?
Because I have work and other obligations. One week gives me enough time to "make time" to read and review the story.
reading now, give me a day or two to get back with you.
(part 1)
I also put what you have on "literotica" on a pastebine link for you to copy/paste into your own account and post it in the /hmofa/ thread if you so desire. I used a text wrap of 83 characters for a .txt file to best replicate the formatting you had on "literotica". I see you have gone past chapter 2, so I will give what I think so far. Out of all the things you suggested though, I am most curious about the reason behind wanting to insert a "transformation", since I don't have a clear understanding as to what would lead up to that.

If it is a love story I can see the following reasons:
>having children
>her world is not habitable by humans (see ending of Avatar)

And here Are some questions I would ask before doing it:
>Does accepting who she is and her people a big theme here? (also see Avatar)

Examples of transformations reasons:
>Avatar -> habitability
>brother bear -> communication
>the little mermaid -> habitability

Overall why is he changing? Can they not do without it?
(part 2)

Still have yet to read thoroughly, but I did skim some parts. It seems that trust is a big theme here. So if your ever running out of what to go next you can write and infinite amount of filler on either the human or anthro showing them more about their world and building even more trust.

There is a lot of grammatical mistakes, It is going to take me one more day.
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not him, and absolutely no offence meant, just thought it might be funny to point out:
*there are a lot of grammatical mistakes

but still good on you for redlining work for strangers, that's pretty cool of ya

Okay this is taking way longer than I thought. And I currently am trying to find everyday to do it. It my take me a couple more days for I want get it write:
>wording / spelling / grammatical mistakes
>thoughts on story and where to go and what not

I am putting it all in this paste bin and will update in periodically. I will get it done within the week

(Part 1)

Finished with the whole review thing: https://pastebin.com/irh01ny2. Try not to see my "redlining" as corrections, though some of them are such as changing "the the" to "the", rather as suggestions/examples on how to look at your writing differently. My suggestions for additions/deletions/substitutions are not things that NEED to be there but could be there. Some of them may be matter of my opinion and my opinion can often be wrong so just do you. Be warned I am only a reader and not a seasoned writer of this /hmofa/. Without any further delay, here is my review:


1) Biggest problem I saw was you trying to be to explain every single detail/motive of Ryan down to the exact angle he turned his palms. It is very hard to understand what you are trying to say sometimes. For Example:

"The Defender crawled through the heavy snow falling in thick tangles despite the icy temperatures. There was just so much of it that there wasn't enough room for the snow to fall in single flakes"

That is a lot of words to essentially convey "The car went through heavy snow". Such detail would make sense if it helped set up a following sentence, but it really doesn't in the context of this story.

2) If this is supposed to be a love/romance kind of fic, then I believe it could use more scenes that establish a relationship/connections b/w the two, perhaps a time skip of a week or 2, where they came up with there own set of signals or something to understand each other.

3) The anthros height was barely referred/described/utilized throughout the story after the car ride: how was he able to scrub the body without a step stool? Wouldn't she be intimidating and wouldn't she be aware of that?

4) Ryan could do better with some more characterization, for after reading it I still don't know what kind of person Ryan is. Throughout the story it was hard to distinguish b/w Ryan's thoughts and the Narrative voice of 3rd person since you made no attempt to distinguish the two it seems.
(Part 2)

1) The sex scene and the bathing scene leading up to it has adequate flow and detail relative to other stories I read: the positioning of the hands of both partners was never confusing and the reaction to stimuli was not awkward and tacked on.

2) The level of detail and focus on the anthro and how ryan had to move her around was quite extensive and really help to sell the reader of the anthro. I find that writers of /hmofa/ tend to not put into as much detail about the anthro indirectly and directly through the protag (if it's the human) five senses. Writing about an anthro is not like writing about a human where readers have a good fundamental idea of all the different shapes of humans and how their bodies interact with others and the environment. Are dictionary is built around the human anatomy and physiology, thus, incorporating anthros in a story involves one to go beyond what they who normally do for humans. Here are some examples of what you did that was above and beyond:

> the "clipclop" of her hooves in the house
> Ryan having to keep her head out of the water b/c her long snout would be submerged if her head was down.
> her enormous diet
> her size was explained well
> her head swinging around when she was unconscious as Ryan drag her was actually a hazard b/c her long snout would turn into a club every time her head would move

3) Details about the cooling system, the car, etc. They convey world building and keep the story feeling alive.
(Part 3)
Regarding on where to take the story next:
If anything I think you should flesh out their relationship and establish some sort of communication b/w them. After that what I said earlier: >>1664 >>1665 still stands.

Overall I bit more off than I could chew when reviewing this story, and what started as a simple feedback routine, turned into a whole redlining thing. I initially set a timer, b/c I wanted to wait for someone more qualified to look at it. I didn't cover everything, and I didn't address all the "areas of concerned" in my redlining". The least you can take from this is that you are at the point as a writer that you can make compelling/interesting stories, though you have problems conveying in a way that readers can understand. I say this b/c I spent most of my free time for a whole week "redlining" this story, and I wouldn't have done that if I didn't see any use in giving you feedback in hopes that you would improve. To be honest too, another reason I was spending so much time on this story is b/c I have a great affinity for communication semantics, storage, and organization and ,thus, I enjoyed reading about your descriptions of the auto cooling system and Ryan's logical step process of trying to revive someone from potential hypothermia. Anyway, I hope this feedback helped and I look forward to the next chapters of "Cold & Native"
I posted the wrong link. Here is the right one:

Sorry for intruding. This is a sequel to a previous story of mine called My Obsession, with the main character of that story trying to raise four daughters on his own while handling his trauma of being held captive and raped. I'm not sure how to ask what exactly I want, and while I'd appreciate any sort of feedback at all, I think a more concrete way to describe it is I would like to know if there's anything technically wrong with the story with grammar or structure, or if the story itself isn't entertaining or has beats that don't mesh well with one another. Like I said, I appreciate any feedback, even if it's minor notes.
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Hey guys, you're awake?

I had a few ideas for some stories. I need guidance as to where to start, how to start, and so forth. I am not a stranger to writing in general, however fiction writing is foreign to me.

My first idea I got from a dream I had a few years ago:
>Anon is standing in a field when he sees a city in distance up in a cloud of smoke
>a few strangers with nearby begin to panic
>fast forward into the future and the country is a very different place
>a lot of infrastructure was destroyed
>gov is around but mostly a puppet for mega corporations
>anon is a member of private security force
>fancy bullpup PDWs, armor, and helmets
>the team was on a search and destroy mission to find a "bio terrorist" or rogue scientist
>deep in the sewers of an abandoned city they look for the hideout
>an anthro cheetah pounces on anon
>she doesnt hurt him, just stares at him
>he shoves her off and his team light her up
>they soon find the hideout of the scientists
>the scientists have a make shift lab and home built from scavenged materials
>there are also a dozen or so anthros which are their creation
>scientists plead that we let them live since the anthros are innocent
>they seem scared and are cowering in a corner
>the soldiers shoot them all and secure any documents worth saving
>as they rise back up to the surface they see an APC ready to take them back to their city
>everyone is rather celebratory except anon
>anon talks to his commander and feels bad about what just happened
>the commander says something to the effect of "We didnt kill them the scientists did"
>they load into the vehicle and go home

My idea for the story would anon having doubts about his employer's morally dubious tasks and secrets around them such as "why do they want anyone associated with the anthro project killed?". There could be some kind of romance or something in the plot but it isn't required.

My second idea, not dream inspiried, for a story goes as follows:
>anon is like a doomer type character (outdated meme, I know, but the archetype is familiar)
>he is hopeless, depressed, lonely, he lives a meager existence
>his life consists of cigarettes, booze, junk food, sleepless nights, his occasional food delivery jobs he does to barely scrape by
>one day he learns about a meditation technique on a new age spirituality forum
>the technique supposedly helps with sleep but users claim they've had out of body experiences
>curious anon tries it out
>his body is whisked away across space and maybe time
>his soul settles on a desert looking planet with celestial features he's never seen before
>he descends and hovers city that resembles ancient Babylon (or maybe it will be Persia or Golden age Arabia)
>the city is bustling with markets and people going about their business, completely unaware of anon
>his soul floats into a large temple or palace structure
>there he sees a princess demi-goddess sitting on her throne (not sure what species to make her, I am leaning on jackal though)
>she looks up and speaks to him in a language he has never heard before
>as she steps closer he can feel a warm energy radiating from her
>he makes eye contact with her and looses all thought
>she smiles and caresses his face
>anon feels enveloped in a aura of ecstasy and bliss
>as soon as it started it is over
>anon drops back into his body in his bed
>he desperately tries to go back but he cannot

The rest of the story will be anon trying to return to this place and to this anthro lady. Anon, while walking in his city one night, sees and ad for his local museum and discovers that she is a central figure in an ancient culture and religion and he begins to become borderline obsessed with research on the language, practices, etc of this civilization.

These are my ideas... how can further develop them?
will link your post in the next thread recap on 4chins
You didnt need to do that anon. I was just looking for writing tips and guidance. For now Id just like for everything thats here to stay here...
Ok. Sorry about that then.
It's okay. I love you.
t-thank you
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>Want to try my hand at writing a combat scene.
>Sci-fi setting so I settled on Laser weapons.
>Wonder what would a hit from a military grade laser would do to a person.
>Check Atomic Rockets

I wasn't expecting that level of U L T R A V I O L E N C E. Especially going further beyond and reading the section on what exactly happens when you vaporize flesh and even an entire person.
Remember kids, military grade lasers won't just blind you.
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Interesting. I always liked the lasrifles used by the Imperial Guard in the Warhammer 40k universe. They tend to be scoffed at as having poor stopping power (people call them "flashlights") but this is more due to the absolute crazy power and size that some of the monsters in 40k have. For unarmored or lightly armored enemies the weapon is just fine. On an unarmored/lightly armored enemy the lasgun can cleanly sever a limb. It does this by vaporizing aka boiling the blood and tissue within the area that was shot, the wound then cauterizes almost instantly. With this it can also be assumed that organs would also be badly damaged by a lasrifle shot as well.

Laser weapons that could vaporize an entire person's body would have a tremendous amount of energy, it would be like being hit directly by a bolt of lightning. This is why I liked the lasguns of 40k, they feel more like normal small arms than a person deleter.

I personally like futuristic ballistic guns over laser or plasma weapons, but they're still cool. What kind of laser weapons will you use in your story and how will they operate?
Luckily for all sci-fi space people lasers are the big suck for any sort of planetside deployment, and can be countered relatively easily by things that refract the beam. Unless those things can be overcome, I would suspect they would remain a specialist type of weaponry. You'd mount them on spaceships, because the whole speed of light thing is pretty handy when you're engaging at distances where light lag becomes a thing, and there's nothing in space to refract the beam over those distances. Much, anyway. But their characteristics really don't lend themselves to personal use. The instant hit factor is nice, but it's something that becomes more of a benefit at longer ranges. So they might be more suited for space use, but a lot of combat between people in space is going to take place onboard of space ships. That is, in extremely close range. There's really no reason to use a laser in those situations.

So I'd expect some sniper type applications, but not widespread use as a standard weapon system.

I recall some official material stating that a lasgun has about the same stopping power as a .50 BMG.
>Laser weapons that could vaporize an entire person's body would have a tremendous amount of energy
40k, being 40k, has something like that too in the form of Volkite weapons.
Although no one strictly knows what they are, this is the mechanics, after all, it is known that they fire a beam powerful enough to vaporize and unarmoured target and severely injure anyone near the victim. Despite their tremendous energy hey seem to do poorly at piercing armour. As such, they were the favoured anti-ork weapon of the astartes legions early in the great crusade.

For my own writings, I have particle weapons pull double duty, you see in the setting ion drives are the main form of propulsion for aerial vehicles, and an ion drive is really just the same thing as an ion cannon but with a wider particle dispersion. So if you would "focus" your ion thruster it instantly becomes an ion cannon.
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Have any of you ever read this story? Unfortunately it has been taken down, but a good summary of the plot is written in the article. Some of the cringe stuff aside I think this could have been a pretty interesting idea for a story. Basically a human boy learns he can transverse to parallel worlds and he encounters all sorts of races, planets, and conflicts. Read the summary for yourself, what do you think about it?

Hey everyone, Jacklin here. My new story is up. Figured I'd post it here too.
It is a 12k long epic poem. Read for omniwaifurs
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>furry epic poem
now that's new
omniwaifurs woke tho

Didn't bother to check the links but it's at least partly available on Wayback Machine.
I cannot believe I forgot to check the wayback machine. Thanks for the find, however upon reading these stories they definitely are rather cringey. Maybe there are still some positives to draw from them for ideas or something. The wiki page does help to make more sense of what is going on in the stories compared to reading some of the stories themselves do funny enough.
My longest draft has hit 50,000 words, and it isn’t done yet. It’s still littered with notes and I haven’t even come up with a working title yet, but it’s been a long time since I got feedback and I think this milestone’s as good as any. https://docs.google.com/document/d/19ESZlt-jE0NTM_HeXppeD5CyERiW8FSc You can comment on the actual draft proper if you want to do anything line-by-line.
>>5149 Docs is a PITA and lags like hell on my toaster, but I'm trying to leave some critique in the form of comments while I have some spare time.
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reposting art made by an anon in the 4c /hmofa/ thread
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>>5262 Doing that too.
(Posting again) I wrote a 2500 words bondage thing with a gecko girl set in feudal Japan because it's my fetish https://rentry.org/darkcamellia
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I had an idea for a short greentext of around 250 words that would segue into a question. It’s ballooned to more than twice that and I still haven’t even really started. This is my first time actually making a serious attempt at writing, so I would like some feedback. https://rentry.org/ktymx
>>5658 Seems alright for a greentext.